“I was the perfect parent until I had kids.”
I’ve heard that saying through the years and never really got it until . . . I had kids.
So many things that I SWORE I’d never in a bazillion years do if I were a mama. And then I became a mama. And, now I laugh out loud thinking of that perfect parent pre-mom me who was so dumb and naive to believe that I’d never let my kids eat McDonald’s. I say that as I slurp down the rest of my seven years old’s Oreo McFlurry. Gulp.
Jokes on me, suckaaaaas! If hindsight were 20/20, right? Here are just a few of the things I so foolishly stated that I’d never, ever, ever, ever, in a million years, ever do as a mother. Yet, here we are.
1. “I will never let my children sleep with me.”
I say this as my three-year-old steals my favorite pillow for the 16th time tonight and gives me another swift kick in the boob as he tries to kick me outta my bed. The kid has slept in my bed more times than he has his own. But, the silver lining? I do enjoy the cuddles when he’s not acting out a scene from Karate Kid on my boob.
2. “My child will never wear character clothing.”
Nuh-uh girl! We are going to have the best dressed, trendy, fashionable little fashionistas this side of Texas. I would later eat my words on a trip to Kohl’s with a four-year-old little darling who just absolutely had to have that hot pink My Little Pony velour tracksuit complete with a Pinkie Pie hoodie. I could hear my past self laughing her ass off as she followed me all the way to the cash register. This is where I asked if they also had the Pinkie Pie sneakers in a toddler size 7. I was $7.95 away from getting another round of Kohl’s cash. Can you blame me?
3. “I will never wear mom swag.”
I’m too cool for that, said the fool of the past. My closet was filled to the brims with whatever the latest fashion was at the time. Today my closet is filled with leggings and lots of them. The band t-shirt section of my closet (yes, I had a section) has been replaced by t-shirts and sweatshirts that scream, “I am mom, hear me roar.” You will likely find me in my fave “cool mom” sweatshirt at least three times a week. And, I’m always donning my kid’s initials on a necklace. I have gold, silver, and rose gold (because gals got to have choices) along with my LBK Mom bracelets and mama bracelet. You know, in case hearing the word 4,184 times a day wasn’t quite enough, I’ve got it slapped across my petite wrist. I am a cool mom who ain’t too cool for the mom swag, and I’m proud of it.
4. “I would never let my kid throw a tantrum like that in public. Give the kid a cookie.”
This is a running joke in my family because pre-kid me actually had no patience for other people’s cranky rugrats, and I did say several times, “Geeeez, mama! Give the kid a cookie!” Because pre-kid me thought that if a child was throwing a tantrum in the $1 aisle that somehow has turned into a some of the things are $10 now aisle at Target, then the mama should give him a magical cookie that would immediately shut him up. If that didn’t work, then she and her blubbering babe should exit the building. Post-kid me is older, wiser, and more patient. And, she is smart enough to know that if she gave her kids a cookie every time they throw a tantrum in the $1 aisle that somehow has turned into a some of the things are now $10 aisle at Target – they’d no longer be able to fit inside those pretty, little red shopping carts.
5. “Just because I have kids doesn’t mean my car has to be a trashed out disaster on wheels. I’ll never have a messy car.”
I’ll admit that was a bit presumptuous. Today, if you were to gather all the crumbs in the backseat of my SUV, you’d have enough to make a complete meal. And dessert. And, even I’m not brave enough to stick my hands between the seats because I know I’ll find a sticky surprise. I also said that I would never have a stick family car decal on the back of my ride. And, yeah . . . that’s still never going to happen.
6. “I’m never going to stop being the life of the party. Even when I have kids, I’ll make time for my (sometimes wild) nights out.”
The woman of the past never missed a Friday night concert. The present woman never misses a Friday night curled up in her bed with her electric blanket, a carton of bluebell, and Dateline’s Keith Morrison. Of course, this is after putting three little munchkins to bed after a helluva evening with a family board game marathon or a Disney+ movie night. We get rebellious around here. It’s ok to be jealous. This isn’t to say that I don’t get a wild hair now and then (and by now and then, I mean about twice a year ) where I can go out and get crazy. I just can’t really like I used to in my pre-kid days. I’m more of a one-hit-wonder now. It’s a proven fact that a screwdriver hangover leaves you more screwed the next day when you have three kids to take care of. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
7. “I’ll never wear matching outfits with my kids. “
Me- 8 years ago at a restaurant after seeing a friend go all matchy-matchy with her little girl. Insert eye roll.
Me after kids . . .