And, I Am So Thankful

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My body will never be the same again. My hips are wider, my butt is bigger and my tummy is not as flat as it used to be. Those abs, they ain’t never coming back. Most days I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. And, I am so thankful.

My house will never be the same again. The clean freak I once was, she’s still in there, but I’ve had to learn to not let her get too overwhelmed with the crumbs that litter our kitchen floor. My home decor consists of more finger paintings by child instead of Mackenzie Child’s. And, there are Barbie dolls and hot wheels strewn across every floor. It’s not picture perfect. And, I am so thankful.

I’ve had to up the dosage on my anxiety meds. I was already an anxious mess. Having children has amped up the anxiety in a way that I’m always worried about them, always trying to keep their calendars in check, and always striving to be that perfect mom. I am not the perfect mom. I am just a mom. And, I am so thankful.

My four-year-old. He’s damn near perfect now.  But, in his first few months of life, he was cursed with colic. It was four straight months of nonstop crying and screaming. It was the hardest four months of my life. He cried. I cried. We all cried. And, I am so thankful.

My baby is twenty-two months old and still doesn’t sleep through the night. The times that he has slept through the night I can count on one hand. Three. His whole twenty-two months of living and he has had a full night of sleep on three of those nights. Meaning most of my days are spent being highly caffeinated and barely functioning. And, I am so thankful.

My heart breaks. A lot. I always try to live in the moment but with each day they get more and more independent. With each hour, they get a little bit older and I long for them to stay this little forever. Six, four and one. Please God, can’t you freeze time? Can’t you let us stay in this moment for eternity? I have a hard time when I think of them growing up. I truly soak up each moment. Being a mom can be heartbreaking. And, I am so thankful.

My two oldest, they argue. They fight over who pushes the elevator button at the doctor’s office, who gets to sleep in the middle, who gets to let the dog out. It’s nonsense. It’s mind-numbing. But, as much as they argue, they love each other one hundred times more. And, I am so thankful.

The baby, he’s crazy. They always say your last child is your wild child. He’s proven it to us 100%. He gets a thrill out of jumping off high surfaces, stealing his brother’s toys with the hope that his brother will chase him down and tackle him, flushing his sister’s toys down the toilet, drinking out of the dog’s water bowl and taking his diaper off and throwing it no matter what’s in it. He gives me a run for my money. And, I am so thankful.

I repeat myself about 921 times a day. I literally have to ask these kids to pick their shoes up off the floor, clean their rooms, get out their school work, put on their coats, etc… 921 times a day. Why don’t these kids ever listen? And, I am so thankful.

Kids are so slow. Why must it take them so long just to get out of the damn car? Do you know that I recently had to add on ten minutes of pay for my babysitter who was watching the baby because once I and my four-year-old got home from school he took an extra ten minutes to get out of the car? These kids are never in a hurry! We are never on time. And, I am so thankful.

I don’t have time. Time to wash my hair. Time to sleep. Time to work. Time to clean the house. Time to mindlessly scroll through Instagram. Time to binge-watch a show on Netflix. Time to eat a full meal. I don’t have time. My time goes to three little humans. And, I am so thankful.

My life will never be the same again. Sometimes it’s harder than I even imagined it would be. Sometimes I want to sleep, eat, pee alone and just enjoy my skinny cinnamon dolce latte with two Splendas in silence. Sometimes I want to be able to go to Target by myself and spend an hour in the home decor aisle daydreaming about a clean house and what that must be like. And, then I remember all those times when we tried to have children. When we prayed to be able to have children. When we thought that maybe we never would be able to fulfill our wish of having children. When I was deemed infertile, but still wouldn’t let myself give up because I was going to have these children! And, I am so thankful.

I remember the injections, the weight gain, the crazy hormones, the negative pregnancy tests, the surgeries, the waiting, the prayers, the sorrow. And, I am so thankful.

I think about the one in eight women out there who are suffering through infertility. I want to give them a hug and to wipe their tears and tell them to never give up. I didn’t, and I am so thankful.

 

 

Parenting is hard. It’s confusing. It’s dirty. It’s heartbreaking, it’s tiring. It’s exhausting. But, I get to do this! I get to witness the good, the bad, the happy, and the sad. I GET to be a mom! And, I am so thankful.