‘Rona life is hard. I wouldn’t say I like it much. ‘Rona life and October? I want to curl into a ball and hide in my closet with fluffy slippers and ignore everyone.
I dread this month every year. For a solid decade, I lost a close family member during October. Every week sees a Remembrance Day or two, so I spend a lot of time crying.
But I’m a mom, and I can’t indulge in the grief. Halloween is here, and my kids, both personal and students, are bouncing off the walls and hay bales in excitement. I have to buy candy and get costumes together and plan all the fun. The weather begins to change, and that means the great summer to fall/winter clothes swap. Christmas is coming too. It always feels like October requires so much to do and plan, and I don’t have the capacity.
Grief is a horrible thing. Time is supposed to “heal all wounds,” but it hasn’t for me. I miss my family. I grieve for the loss of all the holidays they were supposed to be here to share. I want so much for October to be over.
If you are grieving too, for whatever reason, I know it doesn’t help when someone says, “I know how you feel.” I do. I know it’s a struggle to get through the day. I understand that a scent, a color, or a phrase, can break you, and tears are unavoidable. I’d hold your hand if I could. We, who grieve, don’t need words to share the pain.
Getting to Halloween is a mark of finality for me. I can’t wait for the calendar to turn over. I’m almost there. I’ll have another 11 months to prepare for October and try to smile my way through it so no one sees how I feel.